While non-binary gender has just as long of a history as male and female do,* there’s still a lot of questions about what that means in white, western culture. Because I’m usually willing – or hired – to be your friendly neighborhood queer, I often become the target for people’s first exploratory questions about gender. I’ve got to the point now where I have some pretty pat answers, so if you have these questions yourself, or if you’re facing the prospect of an uncomfortable dinner conversation, here are some of my go-to responses. I have been asked all of these questions, in all of these wordings. Be warned that some of them are SUPER offensive. What can I do/where can I learn questions will come later – but do feel free to send them to me so I know what yours are.

1. How did you know you were non-binary?

Initially because none of the options I was being offered for my gender seemed to fit. It took me a while once I learned about being non-binary that it was truly who I was, but now I’m certain. If you say to yourself “I am a man,” “I am a woman,” and “I am non-binary/gender fluid/gender queer..,” it’s likely that one of these may resonate with you more deeply than the others.

2. Do you think it’s a biological thing, or a social thing?

The most current research strongly suggests that there is at least some biological basis for whether you wind up cisgender or transgender. The hormones of your brain and body develop at different times, and some people don’t get the same balance for both systems – so your brain is likely to match closely to your gender, even if your body doesn’t. There’s definitely some social input as well, especially with regards to whether you ever accept and/or come out as your gender, and how you embody it. The real answer, however, is that I don’t actually care what the science says: I never want a doctor to determine whether or not my identity is “real” – I’m as sure as I can be, and I don’t want to create a world where that kind of external validation is necessary.

3. I’m a woman who likes to act in very culturally masculine ways, but I’m really sure I’m a woman.

Cool! That’s totally valid! Some people are very happy in the gender box they get assigned at birth. Some people like the name on the box but they need to stretch the sides out to fit them. Some people are outside the box and want to get in. Some, like me, are very happy outside the box making our own spaces.

4. Do you think it’s more of a trend these days?

Statistically I hear that being non-binary or intersex is about as common as having red hair, or green eyes, and there’s no reason to suggest that number has changed much over time. What has changed is that now there’s a MUCH greater cultural awareness of the phenomenon, and we now have the language to talk about and share our experiences without appropriating from other cultural frameworks e.g. two-spirit. I don’t think anyone is non-binary because it’s popular, but I do think that you need to know that the option is out there in order to know what you are.

5. You have a history of ….. Do you think that had an effect on your gender/sexuality?

There’s a large intersection between queerness, being transgender, various mental health issues, and histories of various kinds of trauma. I don’t think it’s at all likely that any one event would change your gender or sexuality – although it might radically alter how it manifests. I do think that the kind of introspection you have to do after certain kinds of events, or to manage certain kinds of mental experiences, gives you skills in introspection and self-awareness such that you might have an easier time recognizing your gender or sexuality more clearly. I also know that queer humans are far more at risk of violence and much more likely to develop mental health issues as a result of how they’re treated.

6. You’re so physically fit and active, why do you want to mutilate your body?

You look at me and see a healthy body because it matches the shape you expect to be. The problem is that that shape is the wrong shape for me, and it causes me significant unhappiness and loss of functionality on a day-to-day basis. Every medical organization who has looked into the issue agrees that the best health outcomes for transgender people occur when they are allowed to transition. For me personally, I’m looking forward to having a truly healthy body that can do all the things I’m capable of without compromising who I am.

7. But isn’t a “they” pronoun just so clunky and weird and confusing?

Singular “they” pronouns have been in use for centuries, in fact it’s likely that you use them in other contexts without even thinking about it: “Oh no! Someone left their coat here!” Admittedly they are only recently being used to identify specific individuals. But some languages don’t have pronouns at all, or have a neutral pronoun already, or gender every single noun. You’d never try and tell Germans to get rid of “das” because a neutral pronoun/gendered article is strange to you. You’d recognize that it comes from a culture that you don’t recognize, but that you need to adapt to. At some point in your life you learned what “he” and “she” and “him” and “her” meant, and how to apply them. I’m sorry you weren’t taught the full range of English back then, but hopefully that’s a change that schools will make in future.

8. Do you hate your body?

Not in the slightest, but I am aware that it’s not the right body for me. On some days I look in the mirror and it’s like being in a haunted house in front of a concave/convex reflection, or a Dali painting – my whole vision of my body changes and looks alien to me. It’s like walking around living in your least favorite snapchat filter: it looks wrong, you know it’s wrong, you know there’s an actual picture underneath and you’d like to get to it. But I don’t hate my body, and I’d never voluntarily do myself harm, which is why I need to have top surgery.

9. What does it feel like to be non-binary?

I don’t know, I’ve never been anything else. What does it feel like to be your gender?

10. Do you think anyone will get this outside of the liberal academic bubble?

So far I haven’t had a problem explaining this to anyone who actually wants to understand it. There are DEFINITELY people who want to block their ears and remain willfully ignorant, and I find them just as frequently within academia as I do without. I find it works better if I treat my gender like a fact rather than position to be argued with – I don’t need to prove it with my feelings or with evidence because it is true already. Anyone who hasn’t heard of that fact is simply less informed… until they decide that they want to reject that information, in which case they’re simply wrong. It’s like being asked to argue that the earth is round: it’s already been proved by a variety of scientific methods, by observation, and by function. It should not be a big deal to say that the earth is round, and I’m not going to act as if I need permission to say so.

11. Aren’t you scared that people won’t hire you? Or will attack and hurt you for being what you are?

Every damn day. And yet I keep doing it because it’s infinitely better than trying to be anything I’m not.

12. Why do you call yourself queer? Isn’t it a slur?

“Queer” has a history of being used as a slur, and some people still don’t want to be called it as a result. But like may words that have been reclaimed in the past, queer is now a term of empowerment and community… it’s even an academic research discipline. I personally hate the trend of using “gay” to refer universally to queer identities, because there’s SUCH a huge history in our of normalizing gay men and pushing everyone else out the way – and also because I’m not a man attracted to men  – so I kind of get where people are coming from in that histories can hurt. But I’m never going to tell someone else that the word they like best for themselves needs censoring. TLDR: call people what they want to be called.

13. I’m not queer, can I ask you more questions about this?

Usually, yes. So long as you are prepared to accept that my existence is real, and ask your questions when you’ve confirmed that I have the energy and desire to answer them. So long as you’re asking to learn, not asking to win. So long as you’re not being gross?

14. I’m queer, or I think I might be queer, can I ask you more questions about this? OR Can I hire you with money to come and talk about this?Fill up my inbox!
15. Bonus question that I almost never get asked: What’s your favourite thing about being queer/non-binary?

Finding other people who understand me and the way I experience the world. Finding a pop song or a tv show that tells a story like mine. Being accepted.

 

What did I miss? What question would you really like answered? Send them my way and if I get enough I’ll do a round two of these.

 

*Some people will tell you that you shouldn’t use male and female for gender. What can I tell you, I’m a linguistic prescriptivist, and I like symmetry, and accessibility, and we don’t have a noun for a non-binary human yet… unless we’re ready to embrace “I’m an enby,” which I wouldn’t argue with.