Let’s face one truth about me and top surgery…. There really isn’t all that much top to get rid of in the first place.

My chest actually shrunk when I switched the contraceptive pill for the implant, and shrunk again in the middle of grad school when I went through a period of massive stress-induced weight loss. This means that given the right clothing it’s actually fairly easy and comfortable for me to go flat – as you can see below.

This is me in a sports bra:

This is me in a binder:

A binder is a compression garment designed to flatten your chest. Some people use ACE bandages, but those are really not recommended. Most binders start at about $50, but if you are my size you can get them for about $10 each by ordering from Lesbinders or a similar international brand on amazon. Most binders have a band of elastic and a hook and eye closure, and come down to your waist or beyond to give you a smooth, flat line. The advice I had when putting on a binder is that you have to try and tuck your chest into your own armpit, and that’s worked pretty well for me.

The literature on binders says you shouldn’t wear them for more than 6 hours at a time, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a transgender human who stuck to that logic, mostly because we’ve all got jobs and changing shape in the middle of the day is confusing to your colleagues, especially if you’re not actually out to them yet. This is more or less comfortable depending on how much chest you’re actually binding in the first place: for me, I can go all day no problem, although if I want to look really dapper I’ll tighten up one more set of hooks and eyes and I’ll probably have to loosen again after 6 hours tops.

So why do I not bind all the time?

Firstly, because binders are not athletic garments, and I’m a professional dancer. On a day where I have to dance a binder is just not an option – I simply don’t have the mobility to do all I need to do. On top of that, a binder does restrict your breathing. I am very fit, but cannot run in a binder or dance in a binder because I simply can’t take in enough oxygen to sustain the activity. If I had a desk job and no physical hobbies maybe I would feel differently, but binding is not a solution for my lifestyle.

Secondly, have you felt the summers in America? They are HOT. I am much more dysphoric over the summer because I have to choose daily between uncomfortable, sweaty synthetics, and a body shape that I just don’t want to uncover. Imagine going around in 95 degree heat (that’s 35 degrees for my English friends) wearing a skin-tight vest under your t-shirt at all times. Not what you want to be doing.

Thirdly – and this is the important one – I don’t bind so that other people can see me as flat chested. I bind so that I can see me as flat chested, because I want to be flat chested. Binders are great because they allow me to fake in social contexts what I want to be all the time… but I want my body to really and truly reflect the reality that binders can only sometimes allow me to pretend to occupy. I like 98% of my body. I don’t want to cover it up and hold it down, I want to run and dance and swim and climb trees and enjoy the world without a vice around my chest holding me back and without dysphoria tainting the experience. I cannot live my life in a binder… and in just over I week I won’t have to. I’m so excited!

P.s. If you, or someone you know would like very small sports bras or very small binders or very small leotards with a bra sewn in, please contact me at the link above. I’ll be donating everything, but I’m happy to send things to someone specific.